Stoicism, Taylor Swift, and Playing Big

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” -- Marcus Aurelius

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been in full “pressing in” mode. Amidst personal and professional challenges, a nasty case of plantar fasciitis struck, forcing me to withdraw from running the NYC marathon. Even more worrisome than dropping out of the race was the prospect of losing my favorite way to release stress and process emotions.

As I stretched, strengthened, and walked my way back to the trails, I revisited Ryan Holliday’s The Obstacle Is the Way, listened to Taylor Swift’s “thanK you aIMee” on repeat, embraced Tara Mohr’s Playing Big, and unknowingly discovered the surprising connections between all three.

The Obstacle is the Way

I first read this book in March 2020, when the enormity of the pandemic cast a dark shadow over the uncertain future. I have it on Audible and like to revisit it occasionally when I need a grit and resilience injection.

Holliday’s book repositions the obstacles we face as opportunities to overcome and succeed. We do this by focusing on perception, action, and will.

On Perception:

“Our perceptions determine, to an incredibly large degree, what we are and are not capable of. In many ways, they determine reality itself. When we believe in the obstacle more than in the goal, which will inevitably triumph?”

How we talk to ourselves about something impacts our ability to move ahead. Reframing enables us to move from inaction to action. As an Enneagram Seven and a Designing Your Life coach, I often use reframing to reset a problematic mindset.

At the start of my injury, I was stuck in a complain-and-whine pattern: “Why did I sign up for the marathon? I always get hurt.” And, “I can’t even walk barefoot in my house; how will I be able to run?” I was stuck and mad; all I wanted to do was run.

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, I worked on a reframe: “Yes, marathon training may be more than your body can handle right now, but your body loves to run on trails. With rest and PT, your feet will be stronger than before, and you’ll be back running again in no time.”

On Action:

“Okay, you’ve got to do something very difficult. Don’t focus on that. Instead, break it down into pieces. Simply do what you need to do right now. And do it well. And then move on to the next thing. Follow the process and not the prize.”

Big, hairy challenges feel that way until we break them down into smaller steps. What is the smallest next action you can take? What can you test (or prototype, in DYL speak) to gain momentum, learn, and move forward?

I sought advice from friends (thank you, MH) who had overcome PF to identify my ideal next step. I started by rolling my foot on a spiky frozen cylinder every morning and completing a few minutes of daily strengthening and stretching exercises. Peloton rides replaced runs to maintain fitness. As the pain in my foot slowly began to recede, I began to take some walks and, eventually, started running again on soft surfaces and for fewer miles. Progress.

On Will:

“We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we feel about it.”

During inevitable low moments, I reminded myself that I had survived many challenging hill repeats and speed workouts. I’d climbed thousands of feet of elevation in races from Lake Tahoe to Ascutney Mountain, and I would do it again.

I read stories of people I admire who triumphed over significant challenges: Simone Biles, Jasmin Paris, Katie Arnold, and Sara Blakely. (Tell me, whose stories captivate you?)

On November 3, the same day as the NYC Marathon, I raced in the Vermont 10-Miler. I worked harder mentally and emotionally for those 10 miles than I had in the many weeks I spent training for New York. I crossed the Vermont finish line feeling joyful and triumphant, achieving my best time on this course and with a renewed sense of self-belief.

Taylor Swift

My family and I visited London in August to see Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour. When I bought the tickets over a year ago, I was mostly a Swifty mom with a handful of favorite songs and not a serious fan. Listening to more of her music, I appreciated her genius, particularly her poetic lyrics. (The Eras tour was hands-down the best show I’ve ever seen. I will cherish being there with my amazing daughters forever.)

During a fall wander on my favorite trail, it hit me that Taylor, like Ryan, is a stoic. Her song, “Thank you aIMee,” describes overcoming a painful experience with a bully and how subsequent actions helped her grow and heal. Taylor begins the song full of rage; by the end, the rage has been replaced by gratitude.

thanK you aIMee

By Taylor Swift (partial lyrics quoted here)

…But I dreamed that one day, I could say

All that time you were throwing punches

I was building something

And I can't forgive the way you made me feel

Screamed, "F#$% you, Aimee" to the night sky

As the blood was gushing

But I can't forget the way you made me heal

…

I pushed each boulder up the hill

Your words are still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head

I wrote a thousand songs that you find uncool

I built a legacy that you can't undo

But when I count the scars, there's a moment of truth

That there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you

…

All that time you were throwing punches

It was all for nothing

And our town, it looks so small from way up here

Screamed, "Thank you, Aimee" to the night sky

And the stars are stunning

'Cause I can't forget the way you made me heal

Taylor’s aIMee is a lyrical metaphor for the obstacles we face and overcome and the growth that comes next. Sometimes, aIMee is a person: she’s the co-worker who made you feel small for sharing your perspective; he’s the leader who let you go; they are the coach who didn’t select you for varsity. Other times, aIMee is a situation: the injury that took you off the field and onto the operating table, the job that leaves you drained instead of energized, or the end of a treasured friendship or romantic relationship.

Taylor’s redemption mirrors Holliday’s framework:

• Perception: (“I dreamed that one day, I could say | All that time you were throwing punches| I was building something”)

• Action: (“ I pushed each boulder up the hill | Your words are still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head | I wrote a thousand songs that you find uncool | I built a legacy that you can't undo”)

• Will: (“Screamed, ‘Thank you, Aimee’ to the night sky | And the stars are stunning | 'Cause I can't forget the way you made me heal”).

“Thank you, plantar fasciitis” doesn’t quite have the same ring as “Thank you, aIMee,” but Taylor was right. The final step to overcoming an obstacle is acknowledging the growth and progress the situation afforded you.

Playing Big

Sometimes, the aIMee we face is our inner critic, that nagging, hurtful voice that tells us we can’t do what we aspire to and dream of achieving. It’s the inner “impostor” who plants self-doubt instead of self-belief. Overcoming the inner critic is a significant part of my client coaching work. (Newsflash: Everyone has an inner critic/impostor voice, not just women or people from underrepresented backgrounds.)

A couple of weeks ago, I listened to Tara Mohr’s Playing Big. I devoured the book, finishing it over a three-day weekend. Mohr describes the inner critic as “our fear of failure, change, or visibility using a very sophisticated strategy of attacking us to get us to shrink right back into our comfort zones. It’s our safety instinct dressed up in a fancy costume.”

Mohr offers a pragmatic approach to overcoming our inner tyrant (book excerpt available here). First, she reminds us that the inner critic is just one voice inside us, not our ONE authentic voice. She says, “For many of us, the inner critic’s rants have become like water we swim in; we’re so used to its voice, we no longer hear it. We need to learn to notice it and identify it.”

(Photo: Walt Disney Pictures)

Noticing and identifying looked like naming my inner critic so that when I hear her voice pipe up (as she did when she told me I wasn’t cut out for marathons), I can say, “Hi Ursula, thanks for looking out for me, but I’ve got this.” My acknowledgment allows me to release her power over me and move forward. By reframing the inner critic as a protector rather than a truth-teller, we can shift out of fear and into action.

Mohr reflects, “We talk a lot to women about their finding more confidence, but it’s time we put more attention on courage…We need to learn to take action in the midst of self-doubt, and we can each begin practicing that today.”

Three different people, all getting to a similar approach: Reframe what is challenging you (situation, a person, self-doubt) to shift from fear to action. Identify the next step so taking action feels possible. Channel self-belief and get started.

The bright spot in all of this? Everything we need to overcome obstacles is already inside us — its all a matter of mindset and action.

Connecting the Dots

My EdD capstone advisor and dear friend, Michael Neel, shared two quotes with me recently that tie all of this together:

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know that this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having at this moment.”

and…

“There is always only this one step, and so you give it your fullest attention. This doesn't mean you don't know where you are going; it just means this step is primary, the destination secondary. And what you encounter at your destination once you get there depends on the quality of this one step.”

-- Eckhart Tolle

Reframe your situation. Lean into the obstacle. Greet it with acceptance. Identify the next step. Take it, learn from it, and keep going.

If, like me, you are pressing into life’s challenging moments, I invite you to take comfort in the exquisite irony that the experiences that challenge and push us far outside our comfort zones yield the most significant growth and personal development.

And if you’re riding high after a season of challenge, enjoy the ride! Bookmark this page for the next time you find yourself squaring off against an overwhelming obstacle, and find a bit of solace and inspiration from stoicism, TSwift, and Playing Big.

2-minute coaching: Take a moment to reflect on one of your most significant achievements. Consider the many moments and events that led to your triumphant finish.

• How did you reframe challenges into opportunities?

• What actions did you take, step by baby step, to make progress?

• And what did you tell yourself to reinforce your inner strength?